Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
