I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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