I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
