So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's blow job season.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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