walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
