Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
