ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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