I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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