can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
