So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
