I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
