I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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