im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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