Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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