Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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