I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
