I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
