you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
