A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
