How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
