i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Let's paint friendship bongs
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
