I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
