There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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