U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
