Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize