just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just found a bag of teeth...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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