My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
