i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Don't tell me you're on acid again
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
