I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
