i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
