apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
