I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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