Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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