Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
