I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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