he wants to bone in the snuggie
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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