But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
