I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
