I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize