I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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