fuck your aforementioned shoe
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
