the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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