sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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