The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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