does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
