you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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