EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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