My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You are a genius and a whore.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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