i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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