The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
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