just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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