i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize