If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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