The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
