I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm sobbing to NWA
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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