At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
