Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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