I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
