I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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