I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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